What (if any) difficulties have you had finding help to deal with this issue?

Most resources seem to be aimed at women.

Not a lot of resources for men in my situation. Of course there are a lot of resources out there for women, and men as the betrayer and I can extrapolate meaning from that. But as men, many things are different.

Living abroad has made it difficult to reach out to family and friends for meaningful face to face discussions.

Understanding people that truly care.

Lack of therapists with relevant certifications and experience treating spouses of sex addicts using a trauma based approach. Very few resources geared towards betrayed men.

None really. Found a therapist and got to work.

No support

Anger, trust.

Help for betrayed men was nearly non-existent when my wife’s affair happened 30 years ago. My sense of being at fault and shame at being cheated on were factors that discouraged me from talking to anyone about what I was going through. I thought I had forgiven her for many years, but recently the grief, obsessive thoughts, and resentments resurfaced. I’m starting to believe I will take this to the grave.

Not a lot of info on betrayal trauma for men.

None.

There is almost none in the way of online support or community.

I haven't been able to secure therapy or medication for my depressive episodes that stem from the infidelity.

Nobody gives a fuck, "its normal" bullshit.

It seems rare and against typical patterns, so there is not a lot of talk about it. Also, I am a pretty emotional guy, but my default is still to shake off betrayal or any issue and not reach out. These combine to make it hard to get help.

Therapists tend to defend female infidelity and ignore the effects it has on the man.

Tough to find men's groups in Seattle. I have a counselor and friends but still need support.

Everything out there is anti male, or female betrayed focus.

Luckily I had a pastor who was counseling my wife and I, who is also a CSAT and trained through APSATS to work with partners, so I knew exactly who to go to. Many people, especially men are not so lucky because much of what is found for partners is aimed towards women.

Believing.

Haven't seen any body for counseling. Don’t know what to do.

Well that is so hard to collect all my broken heart's pieces but i know i’m way too strong to take care of myself. So all i want is to become more powerful in every aspect to live my life the fullest what I've always desired for. Note: Being MGTOW is the best option for men nowadays cause believe it or not every women on the planet is just using us.

Complete and total lack of compassion and understanding from any woman. The ones that try to help don't fully understand or aren't willing to see the real problem and so their attempts to help are hollow. Because I'm upset, I get labeled as a threat and have less and less chance to ever have a positive experience with a woman. Every signal every woman had ever given me about anything ever has been that I'm creepy or bad in some way. The alienation feeds itself, every attempt to become stronger, be better, just leads me to more and more realizations that I'm still irreparably broken and every possible way for me to exist involves women being afraid of me.

No one cares

Groups oriented toward women. Men’s groups are sex addict groups. Got fired by a woman C-SAT, C-PTT because she didn’t know how to deal with me. Friends are couples friends. No one to talk with.

I am a psychologist and I had to search and search for resources on the internet. I reached out to therapists in the Midwest; I spoke to two colleagues who have always been good resources for general issues; however, I kept coming up empty handed. I came across Esther Perle's work; that led to Terry Real and Pia Melody and finally to a network of individuals trained in trauma and addictions.

I wanted an open relationship because I work away 6 weeks out of country and 2 weeks at home - works for me, works for her. But she found a man and I lost it. Went through her phone. Stalked her. Raped her. She made me appear in court in another country and caused me massive stress and trouble. Made her leave the country by reporting her to immigration. So what she had a million invested with me in this housing project she designed. It's all in my name now cuz she cheated on me. Fuck that bitch.

Most resources for sex addicts and betrayed partners are for male SA’s and female partners. It’s at least an extra step to have to translate all the pronouns to fit ones situation. A big issue is also a sense that female SA’s are treated with more emphasis on the trauma-source of their addictive patterns, without confronting the entitlement that justifies acting so out of integrity and hurting their partners and families so deeply.

Continually revisiting the affair and mourning my past life and opportunities missed

Trouble finding gender specific resources for help with the multiple affairs and betrayals by my wife over the last 34 years.

Working with Affair Recovery in Austin Texas

Sleeping

Lack of resources, lack of support, lack of understanding by people who have not had this experience.

Everything on google when you search how to deal with infidelity, makes all men the culprits.

Limited resources and groups for men. Misunderstanding by both male and female friends -who either find it hard to fully believe, or think it's a good thing.

Resources for men dealing with sexual betrayal or partners who are sex addicts is practically non-existent. When I search the internet for help, because of a (former) partner who has a pattern of playing or cuckolding men, all that comes up are kink sites. I have found some recovery support for less direct ways such as Alanon and Coda.

I recently (4 months ago) discovered my wife of 20 years was having a sexual affair, which had begun nearly 4 years prior and had apparently just reactivated. This is the 3rd affair that I was aware of (the first two were way back in 2005-2007, and which I thought were circumstantial occurrences). She had apparently been working with a therapist (not a CSAT) for several years with this, and beginning to think about the possibility that she had a real problem with sex & love addiction. I don’t feel like I could even begin to give word to the “difficulties” that this experience has been, as a male partner of a female SLA. I have made use of the scant resources available for men in this situation. Actually, it was your website that pointed me to the weekly group for male betrayed partners run by Jon Bentley. It has been invaluable in giving me some desperately needed comradery in this painful and confusing experience. I am happy to participate in any effort to reach out to more men, and expand those resources (and concurrently, the treatment capacity for female SLAs!). Thank you

Very limited information and support for men, most everything is for women including groups.

There aren't many groups for Male partners. I really am interested in a Male partner only 12 step group.

Difficult to find a qualified and available therapist to see together

Nothing helps to heal the trauma.

Difficulty in trusting a female partner

Acceptance

Get another girl to release the tension. And earnestly praying

insurance barriers to specific treatment for sex and love addiction.

None

No resources. Everything is female centric which makes me feel emasculated.

None really. Found a therapist and got to work.

no support

Please describe any stigma or judgment you have experienced, if any, as a male partner of a woman who has been unfaithful.

Not being tough enough to kick my wife out of the home and relationship as a punishment for the affair.

I don't believe I have experienced judgement or stigma except from her friends.

I feel my partner has humiliated me on so many different levels with so many different groups.

That we don't hurt as bad and are bullet proof.

The general assumption is that if my wife has been unfaithful then “she’s not being taken care of at home” (i.e. I’m not treating her right) If the husband acts out society generally regards that as the husband’s fault. If the wife acts out society generally regards that as the husband’s fault as well.

I have had mild feelings of embarrassment. She was not discreet and others who know us both were aware of her behavior. I don't give it much thought or energy.

I was used by women because I fell in love.

Feeling inadequate.

Feelings of shame are overwhelming at times.

We have told no one other than therapist.

Trust issues.

N/A, no one knows.

I've been called weak, shameful, and pathetic. I criticize myself too often concerning this issue.

She painted me black as reason for cheating on me, but the truth is that she just wants to fuck other guy.

Not much externally, but my internal judgements are harsh and difficult to cast off or overcome.

See previous comment. People tend to say it must have been something in our relationship that caused her to want to cheat. Rather than saying it’s wrong no matter what if it’s the other way around.

Mostly feeling it personally.

I haven't honestly. Friends and family have been supportive.

The stigma is worse for betrayed male partners and female sex addicts. Men can be seen as weak or “less of a man” for staying. Also, men are conditioned to have to be tough and get over things, so they do not get as much help for the pain and trauma. The reason it is worse for female sex addicts than males is because women who cheat or sleep around are usually seen as slut or whores, rather than being seen as hurting people who are trying to cope and fill a void with their behavior. I think this is relevant with men too (“men are pigs”) but I don’t think the judgement is as harsh. Many men can sleep around and go brag about it. I have seen a lot of couples with females as the partner who have come out with their story, but I don’t feel like I can do that because of the need to protect my wife.

Honesty.

At least some of my friends are aware of it and it's difficult to be around them.Some gave me their opinion at the time.

Generally just the idea that I'm not good enough as a person. Furthermore I must have been abusive or not good enough as a person if I was betrayed.

Told by friends I should’ve have seen it coming. 

Got fired by C-SAT C-PTT. Therapists say, “Why don’t you leave?”

Others think I was at fault for my own betrayal. I lost many friends that she convinced.

I don't believe I have experienced any stigma. The difficulty was in finding resources for men. One therapist said "you are very unique and rare (being a betrayed male).

Now I'm in a country I don't really want to be in without the woman I fell in love with.

I’ve been very selective about whom I tell…

Nothing overt from others, but I judge myself harshly for being blind and trusting a woman who didn't deserve it. I also wonder about what has been said behind my back

Gaslighting, manipulation and humiliation by my wife, as well as additional feelings of humiliation by male associates for trying to sort out and work through our issues. We are 18 months out from discovery, and we are no closer to therapeutic disclosure than we were 18 months ago. She is currently seeing a CSAT, and I am at my wits end for lack of progress

I have not experienced stigma or judgement from the betrayal and/or consequently leaving the relationship. 

The very few people (all close male friends) with whom I have shared the sex & love addiction piece (all others just know my wife and I are “going thru it” in regards to us living separately) have been really wonderful. I did not feel judged at all, likely because I chose my confidants carefully based on their emotional maturity and self-awareness. 

None. I have not told anyone about this. 

It's scary to talk about being betrayed by your wife because of what people might think about me. I don't want others to know about my wife's addiction because of what they might think about her.

 

Women seem to betray and play the victim. So, mutual contacts see me as the bad party in the relationship.

Been joked

People told me she was a slut

Sadness

internalized shame, as there is no-one outside of a therapist that I feel safe talking to 

None

I must not have been taking care of my wife sexually. I am collateral damage, meaning her failure was my failure. Lost couples friends because women don’t want their husbands around her 

I have had mild feelings of embarrassment. She was not discreet and others who know us both were aware of her behavior. I don't give it much thought or energy. 

I was used by women because I fell in love.

How do you think being emotionally or sexually betrayed by a woman is different for men than for women who are similarly betrayed by men?

There is an added cultural stigma that the woman has betrayed because the man failed to sexually satisfy his partner.

I believe the betrayal is the same. But the tools or help available are typically oriented to men as the betrayer. Also socially, it’s acceptable to be betrayed as a woman. As a man, there are still certain societal expectations put on us. (this may refer back to stigma in question 5, which i did not realize). An example would be, as a woman betrayed if she needed space and wanted him out of the home, that decision would be highly supported. As a man asking for the same thing, it has many more challenges.

There is no difference. It’s wrong no matter who does it.

We look bad either way.

You feel like others regard you as less of a man. Men may have fewer friendships where they feel comfortable sharing and seeking help. What is required for the woman to reconcile the relationship feels like a role reversal. That is, the traditional roles where the man pursues, dates, nurtures the woman feel like they have to be reversed for reconciliation.

Not sure.

If roles were reversed I think it is much more easier to bounce back, because I know women with much worse decision making skills with same social stature that have never experienced prolonged moments of loneliness.

Can't be straight with them, they will see me as weak.

I think men see grief as weakness and women do not. Blocked grief ensures no healing.

The "manly" stigma

It’s not different.

I think the self shame is greater as well as the loss of self confidence.

I do believe it's different, but usually from person to person.

It is not. When I love, I love. I love all the bad and all the good things, she just doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings, just thinks she deserves better. I wouldn’t use cheating as escape from relationship, but weak [women] do that.

It seemed more deliberate and controlled on her part than it would be if I had done the same.

Men I know seem to take responsibility and own the mistake. We even tell each other they messed up. However women seem to justify it to each other. This is based on my own experience.

Less resources for men

For me, I pride myself in how a treat my wife. Her affair partner treated her like a hole in a mattress. I still love her and want to be with but it is hard to let go of the hatred towards him and the anger and sympathy I feel for how she was treated.

All of the stigmas mentioned in question 5 also apply to this. I also think women can be more manipulative and that since the roles of men and women are different in most relationships, the feeling around betrayal can feel different. For example: some men feel the need to provide and protect, when she goes to someone else for emotional/sexual needs, he can feel that she doesn’t need him for those things, or that he was doing those things for nothing. This is just one example, there are many more.

No idea.

I don't think it would be that different.I imagine that a woman would feel just as hurt.

It's really a death kind of situation for anyone no matter you're man or woman but somehow we all we both genders had evolved differently so for men who is physically too strong for protecting his family from predators, this shows he's the head of the house and had been always a man his only support system was his wife/love/gf. And on the other hand this nature gave women a motherly system to take care of her babies and sometimes his husband in emotional situation cause no matter how tough he is as a man but i we should never forget we all are human first with the same feeling.

What advice have you been given for dealing with this issue?

I have had to seek out coping strategies online as there seemed to be very little advice for men.

Continue to show her love and provide a safe space for her to be honest and open.

I have sought help from two different male marriage counselors. The advice between the two has varied widely. I feel as lost as ever in dealing with this subject.

Bad advice. Just forgive her blah.

I was blessed to know a therapist (in another state) who deals with sex addiction almost exclusively and follows a trauma model. He pointed me to relevant resources that helped me eventually find books, counselors, etc.

One friend expressed shock. He knows my wife. Another friend advocates that I can do better. He is on his third wife.

Move on.

Haven't asked

None.

Zero.

Get over it.

None.

Get therapy, let go of the past, move forward.

Forget about her.

We've done a bit of counseling. Self-care, setting boundaries, separation, connection have all been addressed and advised. Also connecting with others who have experienced this, which is how I found this site.

I’m told since nothing physical happened I should just get over it.

Lots of counseling and focus on self and that I have to accept powerlessness.

Seek professional help and work towards forgiveness.

Therapy, workshop.

I have read books, went to support groups (S-ANON and ISA), and gotten coaching and therapy for advice and to navigate the situation. I think that all of these are necessary, or at least very helpful for healing.

None.

None, who would I ask? No person would understand the pain except for the victim, so what good is talking to someone who has not been through it?

I've chosen to go, but still i can give you a solution, that our society has to teach loyalty first not money.

Essentially that it's what she wanted, she wanted it more than me, I needed to just accept it and move on. Basically: It happened, that sucks, get better and they won't leave next time.

 

Move on

Leave her. Find my voice of power and keep bringing it up. I have to fight the lies and gaslighting.

Nothing particularly useful.

Read, attend online groups and go to places like the Meadows to work-through childhood trauma.

Friends etc. She moved out of our place when I was out of town and left me high and dry - I don't really have people to turn to for advice.

I have had some therapy and it has helped a bit, but nothing consistent

I have been advised by my wife's CSAT to obtain an APSATS counselor and begin my own counseling. It has also been advised for me to get into group support ASAP. She has already undergone the assessment for sex addiction and they are exploring the intimacy anorexia as well. My wife is also a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for the past 12 months.

Healing myself and set boundaries 

None 

Move on and forget about her.

Not much.

Leave her

None really. My therapist who specializes in sex addiction basically only listens to me because I can't stop talking during sessions. 

Put it behind me and focus on taking care of myself and looking to the future.

No idea

Only one man has mentioned being cheated on by a girlfriend

Suck it up

Too much to list. Nothing seems to help.

Forget the past

Get rid of her

Pray

generalized, which has been only somewhat helpful.

To work on my self 

It took awhile, but finding a trained csat was valuable. Forgive. Pursue her. :-( 

One friend expressed shock. He knows my wife. Another friend advocates that I can do better. He is on his third wife.

Move on.

What advice would you give to a man who is seeking healing from sexual/intimate betrayal by a woman?

Decide first if the relationship is worth saving. That’s the starting point. Then if it is work through your feelings especially the impact the infidelity is having on you.

Be open. Be forgiving.

I did not feel I am qualified to give advice to others on this subject... other than keep your head up and stay strong.

Watch her actions not just her words.

Seek God, read the Psalms, pray Educate yourself...read, read, read. Find a therapist immediately to help you through the chaos. Establish boundaries to ensure you and your children can feel safe. Develop a support system by sharing your story with people who care for you and finding people who have experienced betrayal.

Seek therapy. Avoid rash decisions. Focus on what you want and how you want to go forward.

Never fall in love with a woman no matter what.

Get used to suffering

Seek help

Talk to someone, anyone.

Therapy. And don't let this one person dictate how you perceive other partners in the future.

Work on yourself, become better version of yourself, hold that grudge for her to show her that your next woman is WAY better than she could ever be. Don’t forgive/forget...stay angry and use that anger to better yourself to the next better woman…AND NO CONTACT!! MOST IMPORTANT, once you have been betrayed, NO CONTACT EVER.

Find someone you can talk to for real.

Don’t let them gaslight you. They know what is right and wrong. If it’s a pattern of it happening more than once leave and work on improving yourself.

Find a good counselor and take care of yourself

It will take time and every story is different. Don't let the negativity towards men who want to stay with their wife persuade you other wise

It takes a long time.

Don’t block it out or shove it down. You have to confront it and get the help you need to heal, and create the necessary space so that she will go get help too.

Not sure.

Get rid of [her] right now!!

He can use no contact rule, not for getting her back but in getting himself back and then never full trust a woman anymore and still he must always be ready for break up and then for a smooth move on.

The quicker you accept that love is not real, or at the very least, that sex will always be a bigger draw than love, the quicker you'll heal and become the kind of person you need to be to be happy again. If you cling to the idea that you've been wronged because of some massive flaw and that you need to be a more attentive lover or a better person, create a better life, etc., then you'll go insane trying to bring something into existence that isn't real, a fragile illusion. It really, genuinely, 100% is just all about sex. You need to learn how to be someone who causes sexual feelings in others and does it regularly. It's a skill and you *can* learn it. Have some fun, there's no point in chasing love.

Recognize that you’re not to blame. Don’t hold your tongue. 

Listen to you guy. Get help from an experienced C-SAT. Find someone you can talk with. Work on your mindset, and tell yourself that you are enough.

Not sure I have any.

Find professionals that are trained and have experience in working with men in addictions and trauma. If you can find a group of men who have suffered the same trauma, 12-step or otherwise, attend. Those groups will most likely need to be formed online because of the smaller per capita number of men across the nation.

Just do casual man. Fuck em

Find other men who can relate

To find support ASAP, and not delay. The pain and suffering is exponentially compounded daily trying to work, self-educate, and self-heal. Step back and seek professional help.

Focus on your personal healing first of all and don't be a victim 

Move on

It's the hardest thing you will likely ever go through. Be kind to yourself, work on yourself, and focus on what you can control.

Leave them. Don’t make yourself miserable like me.

Don't believe their lies and deception. Don't let them minimize your feelings or tell you how to feel. Also that you are helpless to do anything about their behavior.

That there is no avoiding seeking the healing as any unfinished business will only hinder your life and spiritual experience. Do not internalize the disbelief, disappointment and hurt (like I did) because if your heart becomes embittered, then you will now have two problems to work through. Let the betrayal and emotional abuse you experienced be the only problem, and deal with that.

Find other men! Join a group, they are out there! There have been few things more relieving, insightful, and empowering than to regularly check in with other men who are on the same page as I am. There is something so affirming about not having to explain yourself to some degree because they get it and you get them. And work with a therapist yourself if you can, not because you are damaged or codependent but because you need and deserve so much support right now. 

Get as much information at one time about her acting out as possible. Staggered disclosure is painful. Education yourself on addiction. Tall to others about how you are feeling. Don't trust your partner and she will not understand your pain.

Don't suffer alone. Find healthy support. 

Understand whether you love her enough to stay with her. If you do, prepare for a long-term journey through hell.

When you find it, let me know

Feel all your feelings, let them come as they come. Do find healthy ways to channel and discharge the intense anger, like boxing and vigorous workouts

I can't because I don't know how to heal yet.

No idea. I haven't found a suitable solution.

Don't know.

It's going to take years

Pray

read lots. gain an understanding on boundaries. Get into csat therapy immediately, whether you think it might be helpful or not.

Find help

Find a good counselor. Get away from her for awhile. You have to stop breathing the gaslight fumes to come to your senses. Trust your intuition.

 Never fall in love with a woman no matter what.

Seek therapy. Avoid rash decisions. Focus on what you want and how you want to go forward.

Thank you to all the men recovering from betrayal by women who have taken this survey! If you’re a man who has been intimately betrayed by a woman and would like to add your answers, please take the survey yourself, here.

*Some responses have been edited for readability (slightly) per website guidelines. We have collated responses from the same survey taken by multiple men, which have included 50+ men’s voices. Last update Feb 2024.